Life: Pottymouthmama’s Guide To Radvertorials

We’ve all been there. Me, most recently of all.  Lying on the sofa in the middle of the day. Struck down by gastro. Struck motionless. Held captive on my couch.

My spell of watching daytime TV has rendered me speechless. Or actually, my TV speechless, because when advertorials come on, I turn off. I mute them.

Why is it that advertorials are so uninspiring? Here I am, bait for any retail shark, lying like a stunned mullet on the cushions, and I’ve virtually invited that salesperson into my living room – but nope. It’s not working for me.  I can’t stand the too-tanned skin, the too-bleached hair, the spruiking and the merry banter that ensues. Can. Not. Stand. It.

I’ve never bought anything via an advertorial, have you? Those things always seem like nifty ideas at the time, and then I suspect once you receive them, unwrap them and see them under your kitchen lights.  Ugh. They lose all their lustre.

Do you know the thing that tips me over the edge in the infomercial department? The fake flirting. Pop my eyes out with a melon baller and stick some skewers in them and offer them as classy canapes to your dinner guests, because the fake flirting tips me right over the edge of the couch and onto the floor and then where am I? Bruised, battered and not a toilet or bucket in sight.

I’m not going to take this lying down.  No.  So here’s my guide to better advertorials.  Advertorials with oomph.  Advertorials to heal the world, make it a better place. Here’s my guide to Radvertorials. Advertorial makers, take heed.

1.  Stop trying to sell us stuff we don’t need. Instead teach us a new dance move. I’d be totes up for an advertorial showing me how to Dougie. Or even how to shuffle. Then I could teach it to my kids. Then I could spontaneously do it outside the toy shop which I *may* have already attempted to do, however with no choreographic guidance.

2. Margarita Pracatan was a guest on The Clive James Show. Margarita Pracatan often comes into my head and makes me laugh. And that’s a good 15 years since I have seen her. Make Margarita Pracatan your host of advertorials. If you get people laughing, I am sure you can get people to part with their hard-earned dosh.

3. Educate us on manners. Everyone seems to have forgotten the lost art of manners. Bring them back. I had some very unhappy man waving his arms wildly at me today, careening toward me in his beaten up car. If only he’d had some manners, he might have a bit of cheer.

4. Remind us to be kind to one another. I think some people have forgotten. Manners. Kindness. They should be things we all know. But we just don’t these days.

5. Sell me something I need and can’t find anywhere. For example, shoes for babes with big feet. And bras for those of us with flat chests. Ahem. Make it relevant. I don’t need an electronic melon ball roller that runs on green gases.

6. Bring back Australia’s Most Wanted. I know. I am creepy. I used to get my Dad to tape Australia’s Most Wanted when I was in Year 12 studying the HSC because I didn’t want to miss an ep. Bring that back in a 5 minute episode with Roger Climpson at the helm, and heck, I am there. And because it’s daylight, I won’t have to barricade my bedroom door with all manner of paraphernalia. Baddie advertorials (badvertorials?!) I vote yes!

Are you still watching the informercials through gritted teeth?  Gazooks! Grab a friend, grab the remote, and mute those jolly advertorials. Now, do your own voiceover. (Have you done this? I do this with my husband when there is something particularly inane on TV. Trust me. I’m an expert. It’s FunnyTown Grand Central. )

What’s your most hated advertorial? And what’s your dream spruik?! Do tell!

Pottymouthmama’s Lexi is the Sydney based mother of two rad kidlets. She works, tweets, blogs, pins and is advocate of the robot dance.