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Breakfast Bar : The Bitey Few

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December 2, 2011
Be Happy, Breakfast bar, Family & Relationships, News & Views
36 Comments

girls donkey

Yesterday, I read a piece on the feisty Catherine Deveny’s blog (the piece was first published on Mamamia, I think.) It was all about body love and acceptance, amongst other things. It featured a photo of Ms Deveny looking rather fetching in a bathing suit.  I clicked over to Mamamia and admiringly trawled through the first page of comments.  I felt cheerily buoyed by the support her piece* received from readers. And then…

Lo and behold, surrounded by this potentially warm and fuzzy feeling of sisterhood, a debate began about alleged ‘fat bashing’ and ‘skinny bashing’.  There was mud slung  for and against fake boobs and fake eyes.  Ladies tussled over teeth and tans.  Ugh. Ugh-lier still, amongst the comments about learning to love ourselves, and photos of  readers with varying lovely body types,  there were some jarring comments, about Catherine’s body

‘Personally I would be traumatised if I was this fat, I find those thighs pretty scary’  said one reader.

‘Suit yourself. Good for you being happy with your size, but if I got to 80kg, I would be disgusted with myself’ declared another.

‘I can’t believe those thighs can cycle 20km & run 6 km & still be that big! That would dishearten me after all that effort exercising!’ exclaimed a third.

I mean REALLY? Are you freaking kidding me? Huh?  I was kind of shocked that some (ladies) would choose a piece about (self) acceptance, to be so judgey. Gosh. (For the record I think that thighs of all sizes are lovely and skin of all hues is completely divine and I just want you to be in good health and okay with yourself.)

Now back to Ms Disgusted, Ms Disheartened and Ms Traumatised.  Yikes. What would your Nanna think of you? I’m not sure which high horse you rode in on, but it’s a bitey one  (or a bitey few.)   Perhaps the horse came from the Ranch of Repugnance?  It’s not a very nice Ranch, I can tell you, the horses are very misunderstood, the cowgirls are un-smiling, even the tumbleweeds are reluctant. It’s a good place for cows.

Don’t get me wrong, I get that Ms Deveny may not be your cup of tea, especially after the Bindi jibe and all, but how can you publicly sling (body) hate at someone you don’t even really KNOW?  Especially when they are trying to talk to you about something important and sensitive?  It’s not nice manners and it’s not a nice place to be coming from either.

(Catherine later commented on her own post at MM :  ‘I adore my thighs! That’s how I want them to look. HOT!’ GO her! Win!)

But wait.  Sadly there’s more.  On another local blog, I read a piece about Miranda Kerr, a writer branding her unlikeable and ‘despised by the industry’. The ladywriter was relieved that people were coming out to tell ‘the truth’ about Ms Kerr and her lack of personality. The local piece was a response to this article, where two International co-writers declared ‘Kerr shows a strong reluctance to utter any sentences not purely banal’. Um. Really? Why so keen to out Kerr as a boring fraud?  Surely it doesn’t really matter if she’s not chatting particularly earth shattering stuff to journalists?  She’s a model not an orator. And perhaps she’s just a private person, despite her public persona. Maybe she had pregnant brain? Or baby brain? Or no sleep? How does it make sense to complain that you can’t get to know the ‘real’ Miranda, whilst celebrating the outing of the ‘real’ Miranda? Ugh. Why so harsh?  Off to the ranch with you.  Take some apples for the horses.

Also in the news this week, apparently Lara Bingle is fat? Um. She’s not. And so what if she is? She’s not. Put on some spurs and chaps whoever is saying this.  Take a ride on the mechanical bull. It’s totes appropriate for you.

I could go on and on. But that makes me feel like an Un-smiling Cowgirl too. I don’t want to judge the judgers, yet I’ve totally had enough of this girl on girl nastiness.  Why are some women so hard on other women? It’s got to stop. Trolling one another. Taking digs and bites.  Stop, I say!

Diminishing each other is no way to feel better about ourselves. A bit of kindness and acceptance might just do the trick, though.  It’s certainly far more rewarding than hanging out at the Ranch of Repugnance, don’t you think?

Don’t be a donkey. Don’t be a cow. Buck the mechanical bull. Giddy up for the sisterhood!

Have you experienced this kind of nastiness?  Are ladies too hard on each other? Have we forgotten our manners?  Your thoughts?

xx Pip

 

* It was a vintage style one piece. You can see it here.

  • Elly

    People Just. Don’t. Get. It. We live in this world now where we just spew bile at each other wig no consequences. Everyone is just venting all this poison, clicking submit and walking away never to give it another thought.

    I read Catherine’s article after a particularly traumatic shopping trip trying to find a nice dress that I could fit my just-had-a-baby-body that I could breastfeed in also, with nothing. I was angry and sad and dissapointed in myself. I read that article and decided to ease up on myself.

    We just need to ease up on each other and ourselves. We need to support each other, encourage and reassure each other, make a cup of tea, have a biscuit and RELAX. Venting all this venom on each other won’t change anything about how you feel about YOURSELF, because that’s what you’re doing isn’t it? Having a go at other women and their bodies is just reflective of your inner monologue about yourself.

    • http://www.meetmeatmikes.com Pip Lincolne

      YES! Elly. YES! Bravo! Thank you for commenting! xxx

  • Clare

    Well said Pip, and Elly.
    It makes me sad that these women leave such horrible comments. Does it really make them feel good? Maybe it gives them a momentary thrill, of bitchy-ness, that I bet they’d NEVER say in ‘real life’. But that person is a REAL person. They need to get over themselves and just try to be nice. OR didn’t your mother tell you if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.

    • http://www.meetmeatmikes.com Pip Lincolne

      It makes me upset too. It make my stomach hurt, in fact, that people can be so unfeeling and callous, and yet not stand behind their own name as they do it. Chickens. Thanks for your comment, fabulous Clare! xx

  • Name

    Pip, I think I love you :)
    I read that article yesterday and thought it was wonderful. A breath of fresh air. And the author looked gorgeous in her photo.

    • http://www.meetmeatmikes.com Pip Lincolne

      She DID look gorgeous, I thought! I agree!! The photo of Catherine made me glad to be a woman! xx

  • http://www.facebook.com/heather.conroy1 heatherconroy

    I had the same reaction after reading Catherine’s post (which I LOVED). I was really shocked by the comments and I wasn’t expecting them. Just plain nasty. I read through some of them and I felt the hate and a lot of pain, so I stopped reading. I don’t understand it at all. Perhaps it is as simple as bad manners, but I think it has something to do with the pervasive grip that eating disorders have on women in this century.

    • http://www.meetmeatmikes.com Pip Lincolne

      Yes, Heather. I felt proud to be a woman when I read Catherine’s piece. And then after I read the nastier comments, I felt totally confused. I WANT to believe we are united as women, but the evidence reveals otherwise. And that’s sucky. I think that Body Image is SUCH a huge issue, obviously, and some women can’t escape the idea that there is a ‘normal’ body type. That’s such a sad state of affairs. And it’s horrible that they are so enslaved. (I must admit that I struggle with acceptance of my own body, but I’m all for everyone else’s body shapes! I am in FULL acceptance of those!!)

  • missfloss01

    Great article, Pip. Why aren’t people just grateful to have a healthy body which is a testament to the life they live? I have a condition called Short Bowel Syndrome which means that currently, at 162cm tall, am just 41kg in weight. I am not anorexic, I am not a fitness freak. But circumstances mean I am chronically skinny with a funny shape. I would love to have thighs, hips, backside, in fact all the things other women complain about. Send ‘em my way. If only. But my skinny little frame has managed to pop out two beautiful children and still gets me around. BE THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE. And don’t judge. It’s horrible and debilitating and nasty. If you don’t agree with Catherine’s lovely thighs KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. Weight and shape and size are not easily controlled, and I for one, have too many other things in life to worry about than wasting my life feeling bad about myself :)

    • http://www.meetmeatmikes.com Pip Lincolne

      Far out, Miss Floss. You have hit the nail on the head. Be thankful for a healthy body. Do not judge others. Use your life for happy times and enjoyment, not nastiness! YES! Well said! x

  • Joy Taylor

    Another awesome post on body issues. I think I will print out this one, and the one on plastic surgery and give them to my girls to read when they are having doubts about themselves. My 12 year old read the story in Who magazine about Lara Bingle and I was so proud to hear her comment, “She doesn’t look fat, she looks really healthy.”

    • http://www.meetmeatmikes.com Pip Lincolne

      Oh that is great Joy! I am glad you liked the pieces I wrote! We are really hoping that JustB can be a little bubble of good things and good people, treating one another with respect and kindness! I am glad it’s a nice place for YOU!

      Your daughter is so right. And we should not even be TALKING about poor Lara’s body. That’s crazy, isn’t it?!

  • http://gourmetgirl-friend.blogspot.com/ ruthbruten

    LOVE Elly’s comments and all the others too!
    SO many clever gals out there!
    In so many different bodies. Just how it should be!
    When did we become so judgmental….in fact when did we become so MENTAL?
    I find it so upsetting that we have lowered the value system so very much that all that matters is the way people look.
    My body has produced 5 magnificent human beings and although it ain’t what some of these nasties would deem acceptable, by gosh I am proud of what is has done!
    And inside it lies a person who like everyone else just wants to be happy.
    Yes I do think we have forgotten manners & yes i do think women can be nasty.
    What I agree with Elly so strongly about is the way people write comments on the internet and can walk away and not take any further responsibility for.
    Difference in body shape doesn’t change the fact that inside we all FEEL.
    And those words were hurtful, judgemental and cowardly.

    • http://www.meetmeatmikes.com Pip Lincolne

      Ruth. Yes. So fricking true. It DOES hurt. And it’s MEANT to hurt. And that is completely MENTAL. Where do PEOPLE get off thinking that it’s okay to do that? It’s NOT okay. And those people can totally bugger off. Or say sorry and I’ll make them a cup of tea and we can get to the bottom of their OWN inner sadness. Because I guess that is where it all stems from…

      THANK YOU RUTH! You are rad.

  • Reannon Hope

    When I read the article I smiled & commented on happy it made me feel & that I aspire to place like Catherine where I am content with my body. There were a lot of haters on there but as I knew nothing of the other stuff they spoke of I let it roll.

    I’ll admit in my younger days I was judgmental of other woman, mainly out of jealousy. I had serious body imagine issues with myself & I let that spew onto others- bad me!!! But now with age, wisdom & the love of good health I try so hard not to judge others. I don’t know their past, what they’ve done to get where they are or what’s happened to them today , yesterday , last year! I try & steer clear of negativity as it’s like a vortex & sucks you in. I’ve learnt to avoid those who thrive of that way of living or to remove myself from conversations I’m not comfortable with. I’ve noticed too that as I’ve changed & crave simple, happy positive life I’ve attracted these type of people to myself. It’s a nice feeling…..

    It’d be nice to think us woman would back each other but I doubt it’ll ever be the norm, so for now I’ll keep doing what I’m doing & hope it all pays off, that’ll it will rub off on someone else & they will know there is another way to be :)

    • http://www.meetmeatmikes.com Pip Lincolne

      Reannon : I think that your story is familiar to many, and your approach now is fantastic and admirable! Go YOU! Thanks for your thoughtful, honest comment. xx

  • Name

    I have to say that when it comes to women’s looks, ‘fat’ acceptance and in fact ANY article about women I have stopped reading the comments or commenting myself… The bile spewed forth was enough to ruin my day if I read it in the morning. The judgmental crap and the self congratulatory tone used to make me sick. Fat people obviously have no right to live.. esp women… how dare one be proud of being themselves… oh lately there is usually a comment like…. “obviously people with a ‘genuine’ thyroid condition can’t be blamed but the rest of the fat slobs need to show some restraint, self control and stop being lazy!!!!! ”
    Sometimes I write comments along the lines of : “I’ve had two kids, I run around all day, I carry my babies, I run a small business, I employ people, I don’t have time to exercise let alone sit down, I enjoy my life, I love a glass of wine, I love a decent meal and I love my husband, my life and my kids, a good laugh… and I’m a good size 14″. I am not lazy, disgusting, disheartened and I don’t feel the need to tell others how to live. I may have lost weight/ exercised/ given up smoking/ found religion…. or any of a number of personal things… I do not feel the need to lecture you… My life and my choices are my own and until I can walk a week in your shoes I cannot comment…. The funny thing is that the world is a big place but the internet seems to have brought out the snipey village mentality… we all feel the need to know everyone’s business and to comment on it and to climb the lofty moral high ground when it suits without recognising we are speaking from the gutter…. to paraphrase a very wise man that a friend’s mum overheard in a shop in the US… “people is pigs”!!!!
    BUT there are a few of us that are like minded, we just need to find eachother and offer some support… maybe I should start making comments again to counter the negative out there… but that might mean having to read the negative ones :(

    • http://www.meetmeatmikes.com Pip Lincolne

      Oh yes. Thanks for commenting here. I think that I love you. I most certainly love and identify with everything you have written. Thank YOU. x

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1151273664 lorraineferrari

    Oh Pip you are such a rad chick! I so want to be your friend. I’m fortunate that as a young girl I pretty much either avoided girls who were nasty or was just so oblivious to it I didn’t even realise when others were being nasty about me (I’m thinking probably the latter). Anyway, at this stage in my life (late 30′s) I don’t have time or patience for those who waste my time on that crap. I never could understand why women/girls can be so nasty and I’m not sure if we’ll ever know why. The thing is, we know it’s there so lets just boycott it! I feel so fortunate because I am someone who is able to see beauty in everyone, everything. Call me niave if you will but I’m happy being that way and I think I’m a pretty good person to boot. I too was reading that post by Catherine yesterday and was feeling buoyed in the first page or so of positive comments. Then when the ‘crap’ started I had to stop reading. Again, not wasting my time on other people’s crap. Well said Pip. You said what I was thinking, only much more articulately (and with the ranch comments that made me lol too). Let’s spend the rest of today celebrating the total awesomeness of women as a gender because everyone knows we out-rock men ;)

    • http://www.meetmeatmikes.com Pip Lincolne

      Wooh! Go us! The Cowgirls of The Ranch of Radtastic! xx

  • https://www.google.com/profiles/115781529253008931063 mamavegetable

    well said, everybody! I had a giggle at the ranch being a good place for cows.

    It was those cows I was addressing when I wrote my Miranda Kerr post about how sick I was of people and the media telling me I should hate her because she’s gorgeous and she posed naked after a baby and I apparently could never be that beautiful. The comments that piece got was so heartening – we all stood up for each other and Miranda, making the decisions that best suit us. It’s a different life.

    I applaud Catherine for loving herself and fully engaging with and enjoying her life. If that’s the kind of thing she is sharing on the internet, then she is light-years ahead of those who are only there to share bile and viciousness. I know what I’d rather read.

    In fact, I think I’ll tell the cows to read this post x

    • http://www.meetmeatmikes.com Pip Lincolne

      I think that cows really need a literacy program, so that they can study up on the pain that they are causing other ladies!!! xx

  • Emma

    Earlier this year I was on holiday at posh beach resort in Byron Bay. I was fairly self-concious about stripping down to my bathers while sitting around the pool. But when I looked around at the other bodies in their bathers I saw that not one woman (or man!) around that pool had that ‘perfect’ body I thought everyone else but I had. And it was a fantastic realisation for me. Perfect bodies only exist in magazines and on TV! We never see normal bodies represented and it is almost a shock to realise that (even though I consider myself to be completely media savvy about these things) I had been sold a total con! Perfect bodies don’t even exist! And realising that truth is a big, big relief. Now we just need the media to catch up with reality. And Catherine and Pip writing such things is a big step toward this. Thank you!

    • http://www.meetmeatmikes.com Pip Lincolne

      I heard this very story from a friend who returned from Noosa. She said she saw wrinkly old ladies with boobs down to their ankles having fun at the beach in their swimsuits. And that they looked happy and beautiful! We can learn a lot from the wrinklies!!

  • FibroChick

    Yep. That is all I have to say. To all of it. Just ‘yep’.

    • http://www.meetmeatmikes.com Pip Lincolne

      Yep! Yep! Yep! Me too!!! xx

  • Emma

    We’re kidding ourselves if we think that this trolling thing is new. I have had hard times with female friendships since primary school, even now that I’m an adult I find these friendships hard to navigate at times.
    My worry is that I won’t know how to teach my daughter to get through it all, I still remember the time my ‘friends’ at high school wrote me a letter telling me they didn’t want me hanging out with them any more. I went and joined the boys, they were and are often still so much more straightforward.

    • Chloe

      I am sorry that you’ve had bad experiences with so-called female friends in the past. But it is such a stereotype that women can’t get along and men are so straightforward and easy to deal with. Women and girls are spoon-fed the belief that they don’t really have true friendships with each other, that other women are constantly judging them or trying to steal their boyfriend, and as such, they can’t be trusted or there always has to be some underlying tension.

      It’s actually a really sexist attitude, and serves well to try and keep women distant from each other. Yes, there are some women who are awful to each other, but there are men who are truly awful to each other as well.

  • Chrissie

    Okay, I have to admit Pip when I first saw the link on facebook to this discussion I was rolling my eyes thinking “Oh dear… another sugary ‘lets judge the haters cos it is above us nice people blog” but I am surprised at how it’s made me feel.
    The thing is… I love a bit of a gossip… uhuh, I do… and perhaps around the water cooler at work I may have snidely commented that certain supermodels have personalities of cardboard boxes cos Ive read so in the MX..But I guess the clincher here is – I would never write such nasty comments about someone’s appearance on a website. To tell you the truth I am surprised at how harsh these women are and it does sadden me……
    I am a size 14 – 16 and I struggle with feeling good about my size so when I hear other women attack Catherine Deveny’s shape, I take it personally – they are also attacking my ample thighs. And that hurts.
    I guess that goes both ways and I need to rethink my water cooler talk too. But in the end it all comes down to how YOU feel about YOURSELF, you cannot stop the surly cowgirls – they are everywhere so you need to be able to cope with all sorts of responses and be ok with them all. As my favourite saying goes: ‘It is easier to wear slippers than it is to carpet the whole world!’

    • http://www.meetmeatmikes.com Pip Lincolne

      Ah! Yes! Slippers! I try to put my slippers on most of the time… I kind of can’t help wishing that other people remembered their slippers before they typed a bit of snark about someone else though. Ugh. Maybe I should just concentrate on my own stuff… But sometimes when you have a readership, it’s quite good to try and convert them to your kind of slipper! Thanks for reading my piece (despite misgivings!) and taking the time to state your point of view, Chrissie! x

  • ejorpin

    Hello Pip! Thank you for writing this – there should be much more niceness on the internet. Yes about bodies but also about all kinds of other stuff too (that’s not to say one can’t be sarcastic or mocking or calling out stupid or bad things when you see them, we should all just do it in way that is respectful and thoughtful and that recognises we don’t really know anything about anything…)

    I have to agree with Emma (the most recent one) about this not just being a product of the internets, women/girls can be pretty nasty creatures at times. But I think life is way to short to waste it being nasty to other people you don’t even know. Imagine the time and energy it takes to decide to be nasty to someone you don’t even know? I don’t get it. Anyway, I think that you are not nasty at all, and that you are proud of it, so thank you!

    • http://www.meetmeatmikes.com Pip Lincolne

      Why are girls like this, I wonder? Do our Mums and our Nannas and our Aunties train us to be this way? Or is it something that happens in the school yard? I wonder where this kind of nastiness begins…

  • joiedetea

    In my experience there is scope for feeling bad about oneself at any size, weight, fitness level state of health… I am small in size but not super fit, I just don’t like running or bike riding, I lie walking and yoga and slow things… And then I look at lovely beautiful vibrant people like Catherine who run and think gosh… I should do that too… But there’s not really any reason to feel like that is there? If I don’t like to?

    I often try to come back to this quote : ‘do not compare yourself with others, or you may become bitter or vain, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself’.

    Thank you for thinking that thighs of all sizes are RAD Pip! I feel more cheered up about my thighs now! And I am going to focus less on SIZE and SHOULD and more on FUN and ENJOYMENT and FUNCTION… Because those are the most important things, thighs-wise (and otherwise too of course!) ;)

    • http://www.meetmeatmikes.com Pip Lincolne

      Thighs are my homegirls, Joie. I have two that are very close to me. We hang out together a lot.

  • Name

    You know I was thin(ish) once. Now I am a bit too fat – the old me would have been horrified! But after 2 years of what was like low level labour pains ALL day long, 5 operations which ended in a hyster, who really cares if I have big thighs! I feel strong healthy and pain free. Seriously, it is all so irrelevant , and who knows what people have been through, or in fact are going through!

    • http://www.meetmeatmikes.com Pip Lincolne

      We gotta be US. We just have to learn to love ourselves as we are, first. Then concentrate on any improvements we need to make. I am glad you are feeling HEALTHY and happy, now! So great!