Life : Helen Razer’s Post-Hangover Beauty Tips

Doctors of Medical Science. Can’t live with ‘em; can’t store the bodies neatly in an abandoned warehouse while ignoring their advice. Their mean, unreasonable advice that cautions (a) there is no safe level of alcohol consumption and (b) drinking a half-bottle of wine is no longer chic and European but binge drinking.

We all know the story; more or less. If we wish to live long and well, we should aim for several alcohol-free days in every week. We should not consume more than two units of alcohol per day; yes, even if we’re watching the double-length Mad Men season return. HOW DO YOU WATCH JOAN’S 1966 FASHIONS WITHOUT GIN?

However, I digress. And, if you’re a drinker, you probably digress, too. You and me; we digress right into that vat of Pinot Gris every so often and we don’t come up for air until we find ourselves gasping for it on the sofa through dry mouths that feel like abandoned quilting projects.

It happens. Every now and then we get a taste on; even though we shouldn’t and even though we know our complexions will suffer. I swear. One morning in 2008 I looked at my post-drink face and it reminded me of nothing so much as the portable bathroom for a Mötley Crüe reunion tour.

From that day, two things changed. Well, three if we count the fact that I can no longer listen to Kick-start My Heart without feeling ill. First, I moderated my drinking for good. Second, I amassed a kit of Emergency Hangover Beauty Repair for those occasions where I didn’t quite moderate my drinking well enough.

This was the origin of the JustB Clean Living Cheat Sheet:

Water : All the big-name Beauté ladies will tell you the same thing about hangover fixes. They’ll all say, “It’s very important to have a drink of water for every unit of alcohol you consume.” Yeah. Right. It’s very important that you SHUT THE HELL UP BECAUSE I HAVE A POUNDING HEADACHE BEYATCH. Let’s presume you haven’t hydrated: do so now. Don’t slam down a litre every other minute and torture your already-screaming kidneys. Allow yourself half-an-hour of moaning and slow sipping. Some people swear by sports drinks and others look to the Indian hangover cure of coconut water. Just get some non-cocktail liquid in ya and see a little bloom back in your face within the hour. Keep sipping, crusty. Keep sipping a shit-load all day.

Moisturiser : Right. Like you need to be told, moisturiser is an intensely complex and personal matter. One woman’s miracle is another’s greasy, malevolent evil. Obvs, the thing that hydrates your skin most effectively everyday is what you should reach for and slather on with a trowel; but here’s some product hints. Hope in a Jar from Philosophy is awesome. Ditto for the new Clinique Moisture Surge Intense which I’ve been using of late to combat a little shift-work stress. These can each be had at around $AU50 but from the drop from steep to cheap doesn’t need to be unsafe. QV, Dermaveen and rosehip-oil based Trilogy are all available in pharmacies and are all up to the challenge of your hangover.

Eyes : Eye-drops are a must to reduce redness as are those fabulously tacky freezer gel masks. They actually work to reduce under-eye puffiness and so, too, do cucumber rounds. You can always try a hydrating mainstay like Stress Relief Eye Mask from Lauder which does plump the area. These days, there are a number of lotions that temporarily freeze the skin around the eyes and these are great for well-hydrated skin. But lay off this stuff when you’re ratshit because it’ll just look powdery and weird. As for under-eye shadow: now is not the time to experiment with Hylexin or those other dark circle “hero” products. Now is the time for…

Cover : The beauty industry usually puts Bobbi Brown’s cream concealer front and centre when it comes to under-eye cover. As I tend to lose things, I like to keep one product for both eye and blemishes and I find The Amazing Concealer, which you can find in Australia by haranguing website vendors, is great. As for the rest of your foundation, go light but even. Today might be the day for a tinted moisturisers or my new mineral liquid favourite from Youngblood. I would not bother with ANYTHING but the merest setting powder which you should only apply with a brush. Unless, of course, you want your look to be Bella at the end of Breaking Dawn.

Whiff : Now is the time for a light cologne; not a heady bad-girl fragrance that will remind you and others of what a dirty stop-out you’ve become. Eau Dynamisante from Clarins, Sisley’s gorgeous fragrance or (don’t effing laugh at me I’m SERIOUS) 4711 from the pharmacy all smell enough like alcohol to mask the stench coming from your pores and enough like springtime to fool you, your colleagues and family that you are a pure church mouse.
And not, in fact, someone who should really keep drinking her water.

Oh. Also. Brush your teeth. Ew. And, when you begin to feel a little better, maybe lay some of your hangover helper tips on us.

Helen Razer is an occasional broadcaster, frequent writer and incessant yabber-pants. Follow her on twitter at @HelenRazer or read her blog Bad Hostess.