I Had A Baby. I Did Not Become Bootylicious.
I had a baby. I did not become bootylicious. I don’t want my money back. I’m okay with it. I got a baby…
This morning I got up. Ate two pieces of vegemite toast. Drank a cup of coffee. Did some work and waited for the News to pop up on my computer. I read through Bianca’s post. Yep. Reserve Bank dorks. Urk. Laura Connors sexual harrassment case. Go Laura. And lastly Beyonce stepping out one month after having her baby and looking pretty much the way she did before she became pregnant. Um. Boing! This totally got my attention WAY more than the Dorks de Reserve. I’m shallow like that. But actually, it’s NOT shallow. It’s bigger than that.
Beyonce had a baby 4 weeks ago. She is now looking super fab and all traces of babyness seem to have been erased. Four weeks after my babies were born I was either a) lying in a pool of breast milk with a pillow over my head and the scent of stinky nappies as my parfum de jour or b) holding a crying baby, typing stuff in to Parents.com with one hand whilst holding my pelvic floor in with the other. But that’s just me. Back to the booty. I think that if Beyonce is happy-fab, then that is great. This is not about Beyonce.
Do you remember when Pamela Anderson starting having babies? She would pop them out and BAM! Twelve minutes after pushing out the placenta she’d be in a midriff top and ugg boots (skirt optional) on the cover of US Weekly clutching a mojito and showing us her post baby belly. Her thighs were so trim you could park a truck between them, her complexion flawless, her eyes super-fun-loving hottie kinda eyes. I’m feeling like that was when the trend for better-than-pre-preggers-bodies-post-partum started. Gawsh, Pam. But this is not about Pammie, either.
Or maybe it started with (our) Demi Moore, posing pregnant and naked on the cover of Vanity Fair. Perhaps this was the turning point, when pregnancy body acceptance hit an all time low as Demi looked away (as we looked at her) up the duff, ‘brave’ AND hot. It’s not enough to grow a human being in your body. You also have to look good naked while you do it? Hm. But it’s not all about Demi.
Let’s talk about Heidi Klum, who managed to be Victoria’s Secret sparkly undies ready weeks after the birth of one of her bubs. Somehow, some way she managed to train herself into six pack shape, don angel wings and strut down the catwalk (smugly?), perhaps in an effort to inspire all mothers of new babies to work out for 459 hours per day and be sparkly like her. But this is not about Heidi.
I have seen the photos of a pregnant Gisele Bundchen so I know for a fact that she was packing a baby in her now uber-flat, super defined belly. Amazing. Inspiring? Impossible? You choose. But it’s not about Gisele either.
This from Jessica Alba ”Eight weeks after my girlfriend had her baby, you could see her six-pack. She told me to put an elastic band about my waist – any kind of band or girdle works, but I didn’t recover as fast as she did.” Um. Dude. Ease up on yourself. Eight YEARS after having my babies you couldn’t see my six pack. It’s OKAY. But it’s not about you either, Jessica.
The list goes on, I’m sure you know. Elle. Miranda. Mariah. SJP. Nicole? Michelle. Kate. ‘Better’ bodies post baby than pre-pregnancy. What?!
It’s not about them, though. It’s really not.
Let me get it straight. We need to be hot. Then if we get pregnant we need to be hot and take our clothes off to prove our hotness. After that we have to birth a basketball sized object via our nether regions. And finally we need to be Yummy Mummies With Sexy Tummies within 4 weeks of the birth. And get our kit off soon after to be a SUPER legit hot mama. Is that it? Urk. Are you kidding me? Let’s not do that. Okay? It’s not good for us. It’s not good for the ladies.
This problem is, in fact, BIGGER than these TEENSY ladies. This problem is everyone’s. This problem stems from the crazy pressure placed on women to be as perfect as possible. It seems there is an expectation (via the media and other creepy peeps) that women need to look as amazing as possible at all times. It’s filtered down to pregnancy, child birth and post-partum now. I’m fully expecting that we’ll start seeing photos of celebrities IN LABOUR looking amazing. And then it will trickle down to their babies too. We’ll see shots of newborns captioned with little notes about their most beautiful, gorgeous, super hot qualities. Ew. It’s totes sick.
The problem also stems from the crazy notion that it is okay to compare women to each other, as though ladies are a commodity, a trophy an object. It seems, to some, we are a series of parts to be viewed and discussed, rather than an awesome, whole, fabulous, interesting person. Sheesh.
What I would ask you is WHY? Why do we need to have nubby, toned tummies after our babies are born? Why must our thighs be firm twigs? Why must our arms be GI Jane? Why do we have to be so amazing, fit, ‘inspiring’, perfect? Why can’t we just kick around in leggings and slippers, cardigans pulled over our soggy t-shirts for the first few months of our babies’ lives? Who are we inspiring with our hot, post baby bodies? Why can’t we spend those first few months hanging out on the internet in our nighties while our baby sleeps? Or slowly walking ourselves back into some semblance of sanity/health? Or just snuggling in bed with the tiny person we grew, sans sparkly undies* and angel wings?
Why do we have to be so darned fabulous post partum? Isn’t GROWING A PERSON fabulous enough?
* Warning : sparkly undies are scratchy