Stop it! Stop The Cryptic Facebook Status Updates!

“Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine in a few days. You probably don’t care anyway.”

I click on the reply box. The cursor blinks. I search for the right words: don’t worry? Everything will be fine? Hang in there? I’m here if you need me? Happens to the best of us? But I know there is only one right answer. Just like last time. And all the times before that.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I’ve been suckered in more often than I’d like to count. Tricked by the teaser. Duped by the drama. Conned by the cryptic Facebook status.

You probably have your own Facebook friend just like this. And it’s not that you’re a bad friend, or that you want them to be unhappy, or even that you don’t care about whatever disaster they are having this week. It’s just that, like the rest of us, you probably feel a little burned. Because you’ve been there before, and it went something like this:

FRIEND: All men are jerks!
YOU: Oh no! Is Dennis doing that thing with his ears again? Why don’t you leave him? You can stay at mine!
FRIEND: Oh, don’t worry. You probably don’t have time to listen anyway.
YOU: No, I really do!
FRIEND: It’s okay, you’re too busy.
[repeat]

I don’t know about you, but as time goes on and I enjoy more and more of these conversations, I am beginning to sense something of a trend. I’m not in the business of hurting people’s feelings, but the truth is that this might be … attention seeking. Save your collective gasping!

I have circumstantial evidence to suggest a direct link between posting one of these statuses and the thrill that comes from More Facebook Notifications Than Usual. These are not your run of the mill sort-of-friends from high school.  They are drunk on the power these updates command. They want to login and see little red numbers higher than anyone has ever seen before.  And you, my dear, are the pawn in this game. You have been suckered in out of the goodness of your enormous heart. The reverse psychology has trapped you, and you have lost entire seasons of your life trying to uncover the mystery of The Actual Point of This Status.

What you may not realise is that those who post these statuses need your love to survive. They are like giant human emotion leeches. Without you and your replies, they will fade into nothingness and do other things like Use The Telephone and Have Coffee With Friends. No one is blaming you, but it is time to end the madness. It is time to reclaim the Facebook status for its original intended use (“I am on the toilet.”).

To help you on your way, I have put together a handy translation service, so you’ll know when you really need to reply and when you should just look the other way:

Why do people not learn from their mistakes? You’re such a moron!
Translation: Give me all of your attention now.

Screw everyone else’s opinion! I’m just going to do what I want from now on!
Translation: Give me all of your attention now.

Where do you meet nice single guys who aren’t jerks?
Translation: Give me all of your attention now.

I can’t believe I thought things would be different this time. You know who you are.
Translation: Give me all of your attention now.

Repeat after me: friends don’t let friends post cryptic Facebook statuses.

You have to help these perpetrators to help themselves. The craving to respond with love and generosity will pass.  The time for salvation is now! Leave those statuses be! And if anyone needs me, I’ll just be sitting on my own here in the corner.

No, it’s okay, you probably don’t have time.