Life : Pottymouthmama Walks Down The Aisle

I’ve created a new job for myself. Come gather ‘round dear reader, listen up closely…

Have you ever been shopping, and noticed that the music is completely woeful? Like it’s either swinging on a pendulum of deathly dull or super-mega-loud? Or perhaps you’ve been to Supre, and felt your organs jumping in time to the beat? I can’t be in those places. I don’t want to breathe another breath of that music, let alone let my ears bleed because of it.

It’s either one way or the other – I’m choosing breakfast cereals to a soundtrack that’s akin to a death knell, or dredged up from someone’s acid trip past, or I’m shopping for clothes in a disco inferno. Where’s the sense music people? Where’s the peace I’m looking for? I’m contemplating purchases – not my navel.

I’ve appointed myself with the imaginary task of not only programming music for shops, but categorising shops and tracks.  How you might ask?  Well, music has the power to change the way you feel, right? If I hear opera, I feel like I’ve been beamed up to the heavens. Death metal? I want to crunch the heads off bats. Eighties rock? I want to curl up into a ball, just behind the Weetbix and rock backwards and forwards.  You follow?

What if I was in charge of programming music for stores? I am sure there is already a methodology to the mixes the stores and supermarkets play to lull you into a false sense of security and then brainwash you to buy stuff you don’t need. But quite frankly, I think they stink. My philosophies are better. Foolproof even. I want to bubble and bounce around stores. I want the mundane chore of grocery shopping to be perky. Give me pomp. Give me circumstance.

Here’s the plan – depending on time of the day, I’d theme it: morning could be off to a gentle start, maybe some pan pipes (I know right, pan pipes!) for those early, early morning shoppers. Natural early risers deserve pan pipes. Then you get the mums rushing to the shops before school drop off (what? You’ve never done this). This should be a playlist to pump them through that frenzy. Something frenetic, like Architecture in Helsinki? Maybe some Beyonce remixes? I might even be tempted to do some marching band ditties – just for kicks. Throw a bit of Prince in for good measure.

Then midday shoppers. They usually have time on their side. I’d give them the soundtrack to mosey around the aisles, chew the fat with a few neighbours as they stroll their way to the cashier. Winehouse. Adele. Let’s give them some Bee Gees if we want them to hurry up and choose the TimTams or the Monte Carlos. If I’ve got a special on manicure sets – then I’ll most certainly program Lana del Rey.

Late night shoppers?  Well I’ve got something special in store for them. It’s a mash up of sorts, a crescendo of the day. I want them to feel invigorated, but not over-stimulated. She&Him for earlier in the evening warming up to Temper Trap’s ‘Sweet Disposition’. I’m imagining late night shopping to be like a roller skating rink – and we can most definitely bring in the disco ball and dim the lights for these customers. They might not only want to pick up some milk and bread this late at night. This is the climax of the day, it’s the signal that the ugly lights are about to be switched on – that they better get their trolleys down to the checkouts. As they’re carrying out their shopping Bon Iver is wafting out the doors.

What do you fancy hearing at the supermarket? What do you super-not-fancy?!

Pottymouthmama’s Lexi is the Sydney based mother of two rad kidlets. She works, tweets, blogs, pins and is advocate of the robot dance.