Life : Mother’s Day : Large Pants & Lacy Gussets?

It’s a fact: mothers live most of their lives in their pyjamas and sequined slippers. Oh, and they enjoy cooking. And when they’re not enjoying cooking, they like to watch DVDs about cooking or read books about cooking, presumably still in their pyjamas. At least that’s what the latest assortment of ‘Mother’s Day’ catalogues to arrive in my mailbox tell me. The overwhelming message contained in those colourful pages seems to be: You will never get dressed and leave the house again so you may as well try to look good and oh, while you’re trapped there, be a love and cook something why don’t you. Here’s a cupcake maker and the collected works of Danielle Steele for your troubles.

Yes indeed, there are precious few red velvet cocktail frocks depicted in those catalogues. Why, some of these cataloguians are obviously in such deep denial that they are wearing nightwear-as-daywear, because they’re accessorising themselves with ye olde decorative scarf. As a non-fan of the decorative scarf (unless I’m trying to cover up an obvious red wine stain on the school run), I am even more of a non-fan of the decorative scarf with pyjamas. Not only does it present a real strangulation and fire risk (when cooking in pyjamas), but it looks stupid. You have been warned, mothers-in-pyjamas-wearing-decorative-scarves.

Okay, okay, so I admit it: I secretly love those catalogues, even if their gift suggestions are in no way representative of what I want or need as a mother (e.g. a bottle of duty free vodka with a curly straw and/or the opportunity to have an uninterrupted shower-slash-nap-slash-crap) or what I’ll actually get (e.g. a pencil “holder” tentatively made out of patty pan cases and paddle pop sticks). As a working mother who doesn’t get to hang out with too many other parents these days, I like to look upon these catalogues as way of catching up on what my peers are doing. For example, “Oooh! Must. Wear. More. Animal. Print!” and “Damien Leith did a Roy Orbison tribute album, eh? Rock! And! Roll!”

There is one thing that disturbs me, though, and that’s the lingerie page. I mean, who is buying those sexy bras and undies for Mother’s Day? Do six year old children really want to give their mums a ‘lacy gusset’ or a hot pink g-string? Are grown men buying these things for their aged mothers? Or are husbands buying lingerie for their wives in the hope of being able to call them ‘Mummy’ when they wear it? Whichever way you look at it, it’s a whole world of wrong.

In any case, I look upon the gift of lingerie as not really being a gift for *me*. Unless, of course, it’s a pair of those breathable cotton undies that you pull up just under your armpits and which hug all your fatty bits tight and say “All is forgiven!”.  But then again, if my partner *were* to give me a pair of those for Mother’s Day, I’d probably wonder what the hell he was trying to tell me, get all huffy and then feel completely disinclined to Damien-Leith-tribute his Roy Orbison any time soon.  If you know what I mean.

• Rumpus

  I am not a mother (or female)…but I have one. She is in Ireland. Anyway I reckon there’s something wrong with a society that communicates the message “You have given birth so you now value sleep pants over actual pants.”

• Lea

  Please don’t give me an apron, a snuggie, or a book on how great it is to be a Mum. I have found a few things you might like though NDM – a body wash dispenser in the shape of a big nose (wait for it, visualise it, there you go) and a USB powered cup warmer. No more abandoned cold coffee after attending to every child’s whim and fancy of a morning.

• Fiona

  Sometimes you need a non-stuff gift. Peace and quiet. A trip to the movies. A massage. An empty ironing basket. Any or all of these would do very nicely.

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• Magic Mike

  I read “mothers in pajamas..’ then started singing it in my head. They’re coming down the stairs wearing decorative scarves.

  Wonderful to see you back in the saddle, NDM. Love your work.

• KC

  Brilliant! I am so going to use that line about “Damien Leith tribute his Roy Orbison” in a sentence one day soon. My best ever mother’s day present was delivered to me last year – an oval mirror with two crystal blue dolphins ‘swimming’ over the top of it – so you could see them reflected in the mirror. “Do you love it mum?” Well not so much but I am going to have to kill the fellow parent who sold it to him at the school mother’s day stall. Love your work!

• neighbour of KC and Magic Mike

  Isn’t a gusset the bit of the undies that covers our (wolf whistle)? I wouldn’t want that bit to be lacy. (Ouch, scratchy lace.)

• Erin Amazia

  GUSSETTE! !

• librarygirl

  I loathe Mother’s Day (and I’ve been one for 18 years).
  All I want is a little home made card or note from each of my kids.
  Some other mothers and I worked out years ago the best Mothers day would be when when we all got to go out for lunch and a movie together without any partners or children!

• Jess

  HATE “gusset”. ugh.

  The woman in PJ’s and scarf does look terribly foolish – or does she have water stuck in her ear?