Life : Drawing The Line

Someone had to draw the line and it wasn’t going to be me. Four years after the birth of my third and final child, I was finally forced to cast aside my maternity trousers and declare it ‘Summer of the Skirt!’. (Okay, so it was really ‘Summer of the Loosely-Elasticized and High-Waisted Skirt!’ but, let’s face it, it’s not as catchy).So how did this line get drawn? Was it my youngest child finally being able to write his own name and thus take out a restraining order protecting him from being seen with me in public? No, officer, it was not. It was the point at which I pulled up one pair of superdoopercomfypants only to have the elastic in the waistband disintegrate into dust, much like Dorian Gray – although arguably, nobody would have ever painted a portrait of these particular maternity trousers, even in their heyday.

Still, regardless of how the line was drawn, it was drawn and I have never once crossed it – not even that time I *thought* I was pregnant but had actually only accidentally eaten an entire family block of Cadbury’s Black Forest chocolate.

We all know that drawing a line is important. It’s about taking a stance, stepping up and saying NO MORE (usually with one or two provisos attached, such as ‘I WILL NOT eat any more Cadbury’s Black Forest Chocolate… unless of course there’s some in the cupboard/at the supermarket/in the world).

As important as it is, I should confess that drawing the line is one of those jobs I like to avoid, like taking out the recycling or changing the toilet paper roll.

I mean, don’t get me wrong: there are some things which make me keen to draw a line. Very keen indeed. For example: the number of singing-based reality shows on TV at any given moment (my baseline = 0) and the number of Kardashian sisters mentioned in any single magazine (the fact that I can spell Kardashian is a clear indication that that particular line, if drawn, has sadly been crossed).

Also, I should stress here that flute solos belong on the OTHER side of the line from modern music and those tampons wrapped in brightly coloured plastic should be outlawed. I mean, who are these people fooling? We all KNOW they are tampons and in any case, they’re all still disappointingly white on the inside. Collars and cuffs, people. COLLARS AND CUFFS.

With other things, I am not keen to draw a line. Not keen at all. For example, the number of black hairs I need to have growing out of my chin before it can officially be classified as a beard. Unless I need to pick up an extra income stream freelancing as a bearded lady, I’m happy for that line to go undrawn as long as possible.

Also, if you were planning to draw a radius around my home defining the area within which I was allowed to wear my Ugg boots, I’d be encouraging you to draw that line as far from my front door as possible. Why, those things are like wearing little hugs on my feet! Or should I say “Huggs”? Ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha… *ahem*.

Then there are those things I’m not sure about. Not one bit. These things include:

• Jokes like “Huggs”
• Sparkling red wine
• Toothpicks
• Sportswear in any situation, even while playing sport
• Grown women wearing their hair in plaits or piggy-tails
• Men with nicer fingernails than me
• Denim that is not denim but is something else made to look like denim worn by someone who would never be seen dead in denim
• Sailor suits on non-naval personnel, including small children and small dogs. Oh, and also small dogs who *are* naval personnel but who have been made into sailor suits
• Jokes at small dogs’ expense
• Online articles that end up being lists of random weird shit

[Article ends here because the editor has drawn the line]

The formerly fashionable NDM had three children and discovered that brown is the new black the hard way. The force behind the once-was-blog Not Drowning, Mothering, she now very occasionally writes for the sometimes-blog The NDM. In her spare time, she enjoys baking cakes, cyber-hassling advertising executives and collecting photos of unusual objects made out of paperclips.

• daydreamlily

  haha love the radius around your home for uggs. I think similar things with swimmers…where do you draw the line with wearing swimmers..how far from the beach is it ok  before you are actually walking around in underwear? Obviously this is an issue to me living on the Gold Coast and girls clearly not knowing where that line is…or not having a line.

• Oh, that guy…

  I see a great new movement beginning here. Linism. It’s time for us all to stand up and declare that which we will not cross.

• Sam Ann Tics

  BACK OFF from the plaits, sister.  Just back right off.  If I’m in the garden or whatever, and need to wear a hat without simultaneously eating hair it’s my RIGHT and most convenient to plait the stuff.
  You might want to add overuse of caps lock to your list.

• Reannonhope

  I constantly draw the line for the amount of coke I’ll allow my self to drink in 1 week & then cross that line, go so far beyond that line that I can no longer see the line. I am weak….

  I am yet to cross the jeggin line even though I sometimes want to.

  Leggings as pants is a line I will NEVER cross. When I see that people I don’t even know have crossed my ” leggings as pants” line I feel the urge to go & say ” your better than this!!! Please don’t wear this in public- you’ve crossed the line!” . But I don’t because I’m not rude. But I wish they wouldn’t cross the line!!!

  • heatherconroy

    Having a coke now Reannon, but I’m wearing pants.

• Franklyfeisty

  Uh oh. I reosort to 2 weeny pony tails or plaits when I am hot and bothered or exercising. Not as a fashion style.
  I own a pair of black jeggings, but only wear them like tights, with boots and long tops or dresses.
  My Mr I loves sparkling burgundy (not the sweet ones) me not so much, it confuses my synapses.
  Sailor suits are okay for dress-ups – only.
  Kardasians?…BIG FAT BOLD TEXTA line drawn.

  My personal line is drawn at lewd *jokes* (read sexist) and sexy talk in public, looking at, talking about and photos of eyeballs and spiders (phobias), facial hair on me, food stains on clothing and if I ever get to the age and stage where I have to wear nappies again, hand me the gun.

• Rebel

  Daydreamlily! Ha, I hear you. I live by the beach too. 

  Bikini+ beach = acceptable to my  eyeballs. 
  Bikini + skateboard riding = offensive, but brief, so slots into acceptable lane.
  Bikini =  supermarket = seriously chick, seriously? Ever heard of a sarong?

  • Rebel

    NDM! I forgot to say I LOVED your post.

    Nearly weed in my stretch jersey brown trousers.

• bigwords

  I can not tell you how excited I am to see you here xx

• Sami

  I do know that I have to draw the line at one of my cats sleeping on my chest sometimes, because he drools on my face
  100% agreement on reality show baselines being 0. Not just singing ones though. Food ones and talent ones also. And I draw the line at Big Brother status updates on facebook, so if anyone starts going on about it this year…. BAM! Blocked/unfriended (depending on actual real life friendship level).

• KC

  See I saw the photo above and thought, admittedly only momentarily, “Why have they put three 90′s glamour models at the top of this post?” I didn’t see the connection to line drawings or drawing of lines. And then I realised that the middle one looks like that woman on the cover of New Idea, Women’s Day, or any other magazine at the supermarket checkouts….Kim Kardashian? And I realise just by reading this blog (or more particularly looking at the pictures) I’ve crossed a line. Damned line cr0ssers.

• pottymouthmama

  I need that line drawn for ugg boots too. I wore them up to the supermarket once, and while I was happily trawling the aisles, I had an epiphany. What was I doing?! Love your Summer of the Skirt. What’s Winter going to be?

• Helen Mcdonald8

  good to see you back, ducky

• Cathg1g2

  You better write some more as this was the best/funniest read and I have a cracking headache pushing the back of my eyeballs and way low tolerance this morning…love the comments, not mine but the others, just want to encourage seriously funny and cool observations to kick start my day.

• http://profiles.google.com/melissa4444 Melissa Mitchell

  NO on the Uggs. Just no. With you on sailor suits, fake denim, Kardashians and sparkling red. Also on black forest anything though.

  I honestly am not sure on the pigtail/plaits one. Sometimes I kind of feel like 2 milkmaidish plaits. It’s been about 5 years since I’ve allowed myself to wear them in anyone’s presence. But I feel wistful…..

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• salstar

  I just want to say cadbury black forest chocolate is the BEST!
  …ideally eaten while wearing uggs