Life: A Short Guide to Surviving The Heat

I am not a nice person to know in the heat. Basically, I’m of an age now where, if the temperature is as many degrees as I am years old, we’re all in trouble. This is not at all helped by the fact I live in a house with six other people and evaporative cooling that is about as effective as a dehydrated dog’s fart when it hits 35 degrees.

So here is a guide for surviving the heat for all of you out there without the budget to run your air conditioning 24/7 or, in our case, without any air conditioning at all:

1. Every man, woman and child is an island. When the temperature hits the late 30s, I have a 50cm exclusion zone around my entire body. Do not touch me. Do not breath on me. Do not even look my way or utter my name. You are just making me hotter.

2. There is no item of clothing which cannot benefit from being perforated. To put it bluntly, the extreme heat is the only time that crotchless undies become something that’s not “just for him”.

3. Keep up your fluid intake! I personally advocate a steady consumption of alcoholic beverages served in a tall glass with lots of ice because a) when combined with the heat, it makes everything soft-focused like a Cybill Shepherd scene in Moonlightingand b) any mosquitos who get in the house as a result of having to have all the doors and windows open will only be able to bite me once before keeling over dead-drunk.

4. When it comes to night time, it’s every man, woman and child for himself.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for sleeping in my own bed next to my partner and any number of small, frightened children that care to join us in the night. Come one, come all, I say!  But when it comes to hot nights, my exclusion zone stands firm and everyone is On Their Own. Formal concepts such as “beds” go out the window and everyone is encouraged to sleep wherever they can find even the shadow of a breeze: the lounge room floor, the bath, the garage bench, the vegetable crisper in the fridge. Just stay the hell away from me, okay?

5. Never the thighs should meet. I don’t know about you, but I’m waiting for someone with an ounce of sense to design a pair of shorts that prevents thigh chafing but without making me walk like I’ve just ridden bareback across the Sahara. I’m also hoping that it will separate the thighs with the discreet use of ice packs. Just putting it out there, people… 

6. Freeze your shoes before wearing them. Why? Because in the heat anything – ANYTHING – is worth a try.

What’s your top tip for surviving the heat?

The formerly fashionable NDM had three children and discovered that brown is the new black the hard way. The force behind the once-was-blog Not Drowning, Mothering, she now very occasionally writes for the sometimes-blog The NDM. In her spare time, she enjoys baking cakes, cyber-hassling advertising executives and collecting photos of unusual objects made out of paperclips. She also thinks heat is stupid and that summer should be banned or at least heavily-regulated by the government.

  • hugoandelsa

    Heck I agree on all counts…I spend hot days sobbing, prostrate in front of the fan, taking in a steady supply of quinine in the form of G&Ts. I occasionally get up to check the web for any deals on flights to Reykjavik…

    • TheNDM

      Quinine! We all need quinine! Quick! Get me done quinine!

  • KC

    7. Put the sheets in the freezer and take them out and put them on your bed when they’re nice and crispy
    8. Squirt water all over yourself and then stand in front of a fan. Don’t confuse the water squirter with the chilli-soap emulsion you made up to get rid of caterpillars from your tomato plants
    9. Mail order snow from Amazon. Let’s see just how fab their online shopping really is.

    • TheNDM

      Frozen sheets. Genius. Pure genius. Perhaps Amazon could deliver them fresh?

  • Robyn Bishop

    I have a ‘foot thing’ with the heat! If my feet are cool, I’m so much cooler. My ‘must do’ tip is dipping your feet in a bowl/ bath of cold water. Change the water after a few minutes to make sure they’re really cold. Ahhhh, isn’t that better? :)

    • TheNDM

      You are the perfect subject for my frozen shoes clinical trial…