It’s been a long time since I fell off your Nice List and you brought me anything for Christmas, but then again, it’s been a long time since I asked you for anything either. This year, however, I’ve felt compelled to pick up my pen again and write to you. You see, there are a few questions that have been bugging me all year and something tells me you’re the man to ask. I mean, you can do some serious magic. You make David Copperfield “disappearing” the Eiffel Tower look like Amateur Hour. You also know how to get things done. You can deliver presents to half of Europe in the same amount of time it takes a normal person to fill out a single DHL consignment form. So, here is my wish list:
1. What is that magical quality that soap bars have that reduces them to the merest sliver in a matter of days but then remain the same size for weeks, sometimes months, on end? And is it possible to apply the aforementioned quality to chocolate bars and/or my upper thighs?
2. What’s with the youth of today? They are so… young. And the male youths are so bearded. Not bearded like you, but ironically bearded. It dismays me. Why does the ironically bearded youthfulness of male youths dismay me?
3. You know how I have to practically turn the garden hose onto the kids to get them out of bed on a school morning but they invariably rise at sparrow’s fart on the weekend? Two words: Sort. It.
4. Why do I never notice that we’re running out of pickles until we’ve completely run out?
5. Is there any way I could use your amazing time-bending skills to catch up on all that Must See television that everyone else is torrenting?
6. How can I write Christmas cards to all my friends and relatives without actually having to write Christmas cards to all my friends and relatives?
7. Exactly how much Blu-tack do I have to buy in order for me to be able to find some Blu-tack when I need it? And is my current house large enough to fit that amount of Blu-tack?
8. In the post-Christmas down time in your workshop, is there any chance your team of elves could sort out my backlog of odd socks?
Yours, eagerly awaiting your response,