Life: Short Courses For Parents

They say that nothing can really prepare you for being a parent but there are some ideas for a series of short courses that just might… 

SCP00666 – Pop-up Playtent Folding – Advanced Techniques
Course Description: Building on the techniques learned in Pop-up Playtent Folding For Beginners (largely involving shoving the partially folded tent in a wardrobe, under a bed or in front of a large moving vehicle), this course aims to show participants the way to fold the tent into its original storage bag without resorting to scissors and masking tape. Apparently it’s possible.

SCP00008 – Preparing Paintshaker-Proof Lunches
Course Description: Working on the basic assumption that all kids hammer-throw their school bag the minute they step into the school playground, this course aims to show parents how to prepare lunches that won’t be reduced to guacamole before play-lunch.

SCP00089 – Parenting and Applied Theoretical Physics
Course Description: This course uses science to explain fundamental parenting mysteries such as where the other socks go, the exponential decay of boys’ school shoes and how come tan bark ended up in your good handbag.

SCP00801 – An Introduction To The Law
Course Description: Know your legal rights, including: when to lift the embargo on Santa Claus’ true identity; how to overturn a TV ban when you yourself have enforced it but now just want to have a cup of tea in peace; and whether you can challenge your partner’s scheduled turn for a sleep-in when you’ve gotten up to the baby four times in the night.

SCP00678 – Multi-tasking For Beginners
Course Description: Spend a day in Air Traffic Control at Heathrow airport to get an idea of what it’s like to listen to multiple children recount their day at school simultaneously, break up fist fights, manage incoming audio-visual requests and tend to minor medical emergencies, all while cooking dinner using a recipe book with its quantities in ounces.

SCP00069 – Critical Enquiry And You
Course Description:  
Develop your critical facilities so you can debunk the myth of the boogy man who lives in the outside toilet, deduct who farted in the car, justify why everyone should have hot chips for dinner and question the very existence of sex after parenting.

SCP00123 – Self-Hypnosis Techniques
Course Description:  
Using the techniques learned in this course, you will be able to listen to voice of Dorothy The Dinosaur without resorting to self-harm and accept the prequel films as a legitimate part of the Star Wars series. 

SCP23991 – Transformer Manipulation (Advanced)
Course Description: Completion of this course guarantees you will be able to transform Optimus Prime back into a Kenworth K100 Cab Over Truck in less than sixty seconds while blindfolded.

SCP00101- Basic Distraction Techniques 101
Course Description: Look over there! Shiny, shiny!

Anyone else got any course suggestions?

The formerly fashionable NDM had three children and discovered that brown is the new black the hard way. The force behind the once-was-blog Not Drowning, Mothering, she now very occasionally writes for the sometimes-blog The NDM. In her spare time, she enjoys baking cakes, cyber-hassling advertising executives and collecting photos of unusual objects made out of paperclips.

  • rumpus

    I could use a crash course in speed hair brushing…oh and a seminar on knowing the statute of limitations on a child’s drawing before it’s recycled. I either learn this or get a bigger house.

    • Jess

      Oh so true, Rumpus! I suspect the Statue of Limitations for Recycling Art is *much* more complex than an arbitrary “expiry date”.

      So glad to hear others have no idea about ounces! I have to re-learn the conversion *every time* I cook some popular dishes in our house.

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  • Magic Mike

    Great! Can you do the units online instead of attending?

  • KC

    Many of the skills mentioned in your course guide can be equally applied in the workplace but perhaps you also need a course on first aid including bandaging techniques and basic limb re-setting and plastering to manage the injuries associated with lego lacerations and bionicle breakages.

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  • LLLM

    I’m distracted by the diagram. . . What’s wrong with the assembly on the right?! Oh, and sign me up for a three course deal – any three.